It's the end of my relationship. It's the beginning, too. I'm unpacking my new apartment, putting things in order. I'm unpacking my desires, thoughts, and pockets of pain. I'm redecorating the empty walls. Reconfiguring my concept of who I could be.
After the decimation comes the rebuild. The Winter and the Spring. Now
my outside world will begin to reflect new revelations about who I am on the inside. But this takes energy and clarity. Patience and thought.
All my life I've been an achiever, a succeeder, a producer, a creator. Do, do, do, do! Show your work, and show your worth!
For almost one year exactly, I've done the opposite. I've allowed myself to sit. To receive. To listen rather than talk.
* * *
The deeper I go, the more I realize that I am paving a new path that somehow integrates art and teaching. This path allows me to both explicitly and artistically share insights regarding my personal and spiritual growth, through performance, video, music, and writing.
My life path is rerouting, and it's messy, slow, muddy. But there are tall trees and patches of wildflowers. There's a bumble bee that buzzes by me.
It's a bit overwhelming because I don't know what to call "it." I'm still so in the dark in so many ways. But, as my grandmother taught me during our first art lesson together: darkness makes the light shine brighter.
* * *
The inner Censor told me "no" for 32 years. But it is getting quieter now. The voice that tells me I'm lame, dorky, unattractive, cooky, too sensitive, and not good enough has softened, both in its tone and in its volume.
We have reached an understanding of sorts. No contract has been signed yet, but I can feel the ol' troublemaker coming around. I have gotten in touch with the Censor not by plowing over it, but by listening to how it's been trying to protect me from shame.
A misguided ally, this Censor. Well-meaning, but so confused. It is not gone, but the impression fades. Maybe there will be a scar. Or maybe not. Maybe it is possible for the skin to fully reform.
* * *
Everyone is invited.
If I spark something in you, then I am ecstatic. We are in relationship because I know there are many of you who struggle with creativity and shame, self-concept and taking ownership over who you are.
I am ready to speak, and I am ready to tune in and listen.
I am ready to exhibit conviction, integrity and authenticity regarding how I feel and what I've perceived and learned. This was always my intention with teaching voice and having an online presence, but the depth
of my understanding was much more shallow when I began. I simply didn't know myself as well.
* * *
I sing, dance, make music, write, and speak. I also share life experiences and learnings. What's that job description? Is it "Voice Finder?" Is it just being Human? The thought of being an "artist" always gives me tingles, so I know I should follow that feeling.
But my art project cannot be displayed in a gallery: it is the reconstruction of myself. I invite all of me, my shadow, my fears, my annoyances, my anger, my bitterness, to come to the table. I am
learning how to integrate my best and worst qualities. One sings melody, the other sings harmony.
When things feel coherent, I'll write them down and share. When things feel like a shifting moving shape, I'll make music about them. They'll bubble up and become a song. I'll dance and laugh. When things feel like a color story, I'll paint about them. When things feel like they simply need to be felt, I will sit and let the feelings come.
The learnings have expanded, and so has the palette.
* * *
All my life I've felt homesick. I thought I was missing a place. It turns out I was missing myself.
I don't know that I've walked through the front doors yet, but I've turned around an important bend. This story is nonlinear. It is more like a cycle, or like a sphere. My intention is to share it in the manner that best suits each chapter.
Whatever this pursuit requires, I intend to do that thing. I know I have been taking my time. This is new for me. This still stings a little.
This is too important to rush.
* * *
Thanks for reading.
Ongoing gratitude for your patience and the support you're sending from afar. I can feel it. I send support back and am excited to talk to you soon.
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